Jul
09

The Devil Made Me Do It

I like bidding and the worse my hand is the more I seem to like it. One time I uncharacteristically chose not to open in third seat at favorable vulnerability, my partner alerted it, and when the startled opponent asked what my pass meant, my partner explained, “She only has twelve cards.” I have very poor impulse control.

I was playing with Yin, it was the last round and we were having a mediocre game despite the previous five boards against a pair whose bidding and play was completely nonsensical. It was impossible to know what was going on — every aspect of the hands, the bidding, the play, the defense, it was all just noise from their direction. We got good scores against them, but by the time they left I was mentally cooked. And then the best East-West pair sat down.

My RHO opened 1♦ and I looked at my hand and saw this:

♠ QTxxx
♥ Qxxxx
♣ x
♦ xx

And, I just couldn’t resist the urge to do something so I bid 2♦. My partner bid 2♠ which got doubled. When I put my hand down his comment was, “That’s a really shitty hand.” “Yes, but all of my points are in my suits.” “At least the vulnerability is with us.” “Vulner-what?,” I said. (Oh, did I not mention that we were vulnerable against not-vulnerable?) Turns out -800 wasn’t a good score (surprise, surprise). There was a grand slam in diamonds their way, but no one was bidding it or even six for that matter, still my bid is inexcusable at that vulnerability. After the hand I apologized. (One of the opponent’s noted I should have apologized when I put the hand down as dummy initially.) Later I would apologize again in writing only this time I would include references to my own low moral character and general flare for the f_cking idiotic.

Still the question remains of why I would even think of making that bid in the first place. I wouldn’t have done it at a tournament, I tend to view club games at the place to experiment. I do keep getting the question posed to me in various forms of just what a person needs for these “shapely bids”. The answer, is complicated, but certainly red against white, more than 4 HCP — a lot more. And then there’s the question of whether or not I’d do it again if the vulnerability were favorable. I might, especially if my partner were a passed hand. Yin would tell you that I’m a f_cking idiot for even contemplating a bid like that at any vulnerability, but he’s wrong. I’m a f_cking idiot for making that bid at unfavorable vulnerability and I won’t do it again, in part because Yin made me swear that the next time I make a Michael’s cuebid I’ll have at least 5 HCP.

Jul
04

“You can’t miss the bear.”

In the first episode of the television show Weeds, the two sons of the main character are obsessed with a fictional bear-hunting show entitled “Bear Hunt”. The catch phrase of that show which gets repeated through-out that first episode is, “You can’t miss the bear.” Take your shot, don’t take your shot, but whatever you do you can’t miss the bear.

Both sides vulnerable, the bidding had gone (P)-P-(1♣)- to me. I over-called 1♦ with:

♠ xxx
♥ AKJ
♦ ATxxx
♣ xx

I would have liked at least one four card major to double. My LHO doubled (which should be a negative double showing both majors). The long-suffering Washington redoubled and the opening bidder passed, so did I and, surprisingly, so did my LHO. So that left me in 1♦XX.

The opening lead was a small club. The dummy hit with:

♠ KTx
♥ xxxx
♦ KJ
♣ QTxx

The opponents took two club tricks and led a third one which I ruffed in my hand and was somewhat surprised that it held. I led a small diamond to my king and now my RHO dropped the queen which strongly suggested to me that my LHO actually had five diamonds, which meant he could not have both majors. This is where I went terribly terribly wrong. I led a small heart back to my hand and took the finesse.

Instead of a negative double my LHO doesn’t have anything in the majors he is instead 3=2=5=3 and no values in spades so my king of spades is dead and he got to ruff my king of hearts. On the other hand, my RHO (who opened) has both majors, he’s 4=4=1=4 so he passed assuming his partner would reopen with the better of his two majors.

You’ll note of course that if at trick four I had instead just taken my AK of hearts and my remaining good diamonds I would have had seven tricks right then (1 club ruff, AKJT of diamonds and the AK of hearts). Instead I was down 1 for -400. I’m an idiot. I missed the bear.

Jun
25

“… but it’s harder when you’re stupid.”

“Stupidest” was the Mad Scientist’s word of the day. He brought up a hand from the day before when I had failed to bid 3NT when I should have thereby wrong-siding the contract. My excuse after the fact had been that I thought his hand was “more interesting than mine” and so should be the one concealed from the opponents, at the time he didn’t respond but I didn’t think he was buying it. “That was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard,” he said. (I guess he doesn’t listen most of the time when I’m talking. That’s probably a good thing.)

“How would you have bid with his hand on that diamond slam?” I asked gesturing at my LHO’s now empty seat, “The one with the heart void?”

My LHO had opened a strong, artificial 1♣, vulnerable against vulnerable. The Mad Scientist had jumped to 2♥. My RHO had bid 3♦. I jumped again to 4♥. The opening bidder went into the tank for a long time before producing a bid of 7♦ that, not surprisingly, ended the auction and the big hand came down as dummy. All and all a fairly memorable auction especially when it ended up down two so imagine my surprise when TMS grumbled, “I wasn’t really paying attention.”

I pressed, “You pre-empted in hearts and I raised to four?”

“Oh right.”

“I think I would have bid five hearts with his hand instead of raising diamonds,” I said.

“That would have been okay.”

“Of course, that would get us too high also.”

“He might be able to make six if he’s not trying to make seven,” the Mad Scientist fell quiet and then erupted, “That 3NT bid was the stupidest bid I’ve ever seen!”

I was a bit caught off guard. “I bid seven no-trump yesterday with only eleven sure tricks.”

“That was because you can’t count. This was just stupid.”

“Well, I thought most of the time the clubs will split so my hand will give you five tricks. If you have the queen, six.”

“And? Where am I going to get four more tricks? We play a WEAK no trump.”

“I’m sorry.”

“At least transfer and see if I super-accept before jumping to game.”

“You’re right. I thought of that while you were playing it. Well, I thought of that when you said, ‘We’re playing bridge, not poker.’ That’s what I should have done. I knew it was a bad bid.”

“You were defending it. You don’t even have an entry to the clubs!”

“I always defend my bad bids. The worse they are the more I defend them.”

“I want you to come up with a weak no trump hand that will take nine tricks with that dummy.”

“Three aces and the queen third of clubs.”

“Aside from that, and I would have super accepted with that.”

This is the hand in question:

♠ xx
♥ xx
♦ Qxx
♣ AKxxxx

I jumped to 3NT after TMS opened 1NT (12-14 HCP). Perhaps needless to say, I have yet to come up with a 12-14 no-trump type hand that would not super-accept the transfer but would take nine tricks across from my rather pathetic holding if the clubs don’t split and a finesse is off-side. Needing the clubs to split is one thing, needing the clubs to split and a finesse to be onside is something else. Though to be honest I haven’t tried very hard. It isn’t as if my concocting such a hand is going to make that bid any less stupid.

Jun
22

An Unforced Error

Tonight at the club I got to play with my teacher for the first time in over a year. There were three tables so we were playing IMPs. Not a lot of swings at our table, it seemed like the most we could pick up on any given board was an IMP and a half. Considering how much time had gone by, we fell fairly easily back into playing with one another. On one hand after my LHO opened 1NT, my partner had gone into the tank before making a 2♣ bid. When I alerted it he excused himself from the table knowing there was a good chance I was going to get it wrong. My alert including the proviso that it had been “a hundred years” since we’d played together but that I thought that the last time we played it had been Capelletti. Turns out he was playing DONT, but it didn’t end up mattering because my RHO jumped right to 3NT anyway. On another hand when I had opened 1NT and an opponent intervened we both sat there wondering if we were playing Lebensohl, he while deciding what to bid, I while wondering how to interpret his bid whatever it turned out to be. That problem too was resolved by a jump to 3NT (I had a stopper in the opponent’s suit so I didn’t much care whether he did or not).

Going into the last round (when all three tables are sharing the four boards left to be played), we were a handful of IMPs behind the first place pair. On the first board, not-vulnerable against not-vulnerable, my partner opened the bidding with 1♣. I had:

♠ Tx
♥ ATxx
♦ Axx
♣ QTxx

The bidding went:

1♣-(P)-1♥-(1♠)-
P-(P)-2♣-(2♠)-
3♣-(P)-P-(3♠)-
P-(P)-X-All Pass

It was a matchpoint double. I don’t actually know what means, but it’s what people say when the opponents make a contract they’ve doubled. Of course, in this case I shouldn’t have doubled and they shouldn’t have made it.

My partner led the 9♥ which I won and I returned a heart (hoping it was a singleton, but since there were three on the board that seemed unlikely). The declarer won the heart return and partner followed. Declarer led the J♠ which held and then another spade which my partner won with his king. He led a small club and surprisingly my queen held. So my partner had ducked the first spade and had now under-led his AK of clubs. Do you think this might suggest to me that at this moment he still has a spade left? No, of course not, I just “know” the declarer must have had seven spades for her bid. I returned a club, partner glared at me, declarer pulled his last trump, led a diamond to the board. I won the diamond, played another club and of course declarer now wins her king and queen of diamonds to make the contract for +530.

To add insult to injury my teacher/partner/man who’s about to kill me says, “I even thought, ‘Oh good, I’m playing with someone who will know what this means.’ when I under-led my ace king of clubs.” Ouch. “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?” I asked. “Blood,” he said.

As I mentioned there had been no real swings up until then, so now was the time to manufacture some. Next hand (playing the boards out of order, of course, due to the sharing), vulnerable against vulnerable, my partner opens 1♣ again. This time I have:

♠ QJxxx
♥ T9
♦ Kxxx
♣ Qx

With the opponents passing throughout:

1♣-1♠-
4♥*-4♠**-
5♣***-6♠

* Splinter
** I seriously considered 5♦ here because I really like that his splinter is in hearts across from my worthless doubleton, but I don’t like cue-bidding above game without first round control.
*** He must have a monster and I think he’s looking for the queen of clubs. Giddy-up!

The lead was, not surprisingly, a heart. His hand:

♠ AKTx
♥ (void)
♦ Axx
♣ AKJxxx

Maybe I should have bid 5♦ instead of jumping right to 6♠, then when he bid 5♥ to show the void we might make it to 7. I’m a chicken, but we were still the only ones to reach the 27 HCP slam.

On the very next hand, not-vulnerable against vulnerable I opened 1NT with aces and spaces (and a king, one honor in each suit), 4333 with spades. Partner bids Stayman and after I show my four-card spade suit he bids 3♣. I attempt to sign off in 3NT, but he bids 6NT. While it’s true that he has a nicer hand than I do it comes down to a squeeze play in the pointy suits to make six. My making six wasn’t as brilliant as the above-mentioned defensive play was stupid, but IMPs-wise this and the other small slam made up for it. If we’d ended up coming in 2nd because of the 11 IMPs I cost us on that hand, it was going to end an otherwise incredibly fun game on a sad note.

Jun
04

Bottoms Up

This afternoon keeping track of much of anything was proving too difficult for me. I could do no right, especially on defense. The unseen cards were proving slipperier than a freshly buttered ice-rink; I could find no purchase anywhere, and I kept losing track of the count. Then there were the incredibly stupid plays like covering the queen of trump when there is Ax on the board and I have Kxx in my hand. At one point I could have sworn I saw a tear forming in the corner of the Mad Scientist’s eye. Playing with me has finally broken the man.

So tonight when it became apparent that my staying to play would cause there to be a sit-out, I jumped at the opportunity to go back home to bed instead. My choosing to leave the bridge club rather than stay and play is unprecedented. Unfortunately, my dreams were disturbing and mostly featured bridge anyway with TMS berating me in far harsher terms than he ever has in real life. Where does one go to escape from one’s escape?

May
14

Instant Karma

After coming home to construct a tinfoil hat and take a quick nap, I had to dash back off to the bridge club to open up for the evening game. Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to run it this time. Unfortunately for my partner, and most everyone else, I was in a bad mood.

During the first round he made what I thought was an obvious mistake (though probably no more so than any of half a dozen things I did this afternoon) and I snapped at him. I immediately apologized, but the damage was done and he was off his game for the rest of the night. If you’re mean to your partner they will not improve, in fact they will get worse — probably much worse. I, of all people, should know that.

And besides, this is a game, it really is supposed to be fun and whether I was having fun or not, it was completely unfair for me to ruin it for my partner. I’m such a jerk. I did manage to bite my tongue for the rest of the evening, but it made for a long night.

Apr
21

Tit for Tat

In first seat, no one vulnerable, the Mad Scientist opened 2NT. I had 6 HCP and my shape was 4=5=3=1. I desperately tried to remember just which scheme the modified version of Puppet Stayman we play would allow me to show that particular shape. I bid 3♣. My LHO doubled the 3♣ bid and TMS redoubled which was passed around to me. At that moment some essential part of my brain decided to take a smoke break and I was convinced that if I passed my LHO would be playing in 3♣XX, partner clearly has clubs and no major so it seemed like the best spot and I passed … except, of course, my LHO wasn’t playing 3♣XX, I was.

So convinced was I that my LHO was playing the hand that I told TMS it was his lead, the look of sheer “Are you out of your mind?!”-ness that he shot me gently awoke me from my stupor like a bucket of ice water being dumped on my head. Meanwhile, my LHO had put a small club on the table and TMS stopped staring at me agog just long enough to put down his hand. My heart was pounding directly behind my ears. Words cannot describe the sheer terror I felt at that moment; 4-1 fits just never play as well as you would hope. Imperfect defense let me make the contract, perhaps it really is better to be lucky than good. Of course, contemplating the horrors that will be visited upon you shortly by your bridge partner if you end up down one in this sort of situation can prove quite motivational. (Link to the hand: here.)

But these things have a way of working themselves out in the end. A few rounds later our opponents would have an uncontested auction of 1♠-4♠. The dummy came down with the world’s fair and a “I probably should have bid 2NT instead.” Looking at my hand and the dummy’s 4-3-3-3 hand an ugly thought crept into my mind, “Everyone else is going to be in 6♠, down 1.” I was wrong, of course, everyone else was in 6♠ down 2. That pair would go on to win, which brings us back to the age-old question of luck versus skill.

Mar
01

Grand Slammed

When it comes to bridge partners, I seem to have a thing for angry men. The only question is, do I play with them because they’re angry or are they angry because they play with me?

Considering the fact that just this afternoon I bid 7♥ missing the ace of hearts … it seems safe to say it’s the latter.